The Evolution of Nikki

Archive for January, 2009

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.-Mark Twain

When you have a dream, one of the most discouraging things that you can face is that your loved ones, the people closest to you, don’t believe in the dreams that you have. Instead, they try and convince you that they know what is best for you, when in reality they haven’t really taken the time to see the person you’ve become and the things in life that you actually need.

When you ask for the support of those you care about, it can be hard for them to accept the things you feel you need to do with your life. Oftentimes, their fears are projected on to you. I’ve chosen not to let the fears of others deter me from the course my life has taken. It’s a scary ride, and I have no idea where it will turn out, but I’m enjoying the journey.

Some people may sit back and judge me because I dropped out of school. (I did pass my GED test with some of the highest scores in the state and I wrote an amazing essay that garnered me some recognition, but these seem to be things that others overlook.

People may think my leaving school was a cop out, when in reality I was preserving myself for things yet to come. I wanted to live, and in order to do that, I needed to move my life towards a different direction, a course less-traveled and often more uncertain than the ones we are told take while in school. Even so, after I took that initial step, I didn’t look back. I kept moving forward to a destination that I didn’t know of, but looked forward to.

As a teenager, I faced many obstacles and experiences, some of which could have destroyed me. Instead, I found strength within myself to let those obstacles empower me. I didn’t sit back on the sidelines and let my life leave me behind. I took hold of the reins and directed my life in the direction that I wanted it to go.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve used my writing as a way to express things that I’m feeling inside, things that hurt me and need to be set free. During my turbulent teenage years, my writing was often dark and void of happiness. Now, things I write are filled with love, warmth and joy. I’ve learned how to appreciate everything around me no matter insignificant it may seem to others. These discoveries are reflected in everything that I write.

Even though writing was a huge part of my life, it took giving birth to my daughter to really push me towards a career that involved sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences with others. When I finally realized where my life was headed, I was filled with excitement. Before then, my dream of writing was nothing more than a dream. It was something that I never thought I’d succeed at. Now, I feel that it’s attainable. It’s within my reach.

Aside from my dream of writing, another dream I had was to be able to work from home. Those that choose to work from home face many misconceptions about what that means. Some people look at my choice to as a sign of weakness that I’m afraid to be around others. Yes, I’ve been burned by co-workers, but my decision to work from home was based on entirely different reasons. Just because I’ve chosen a less conventional way of living doesn’t mean that I’m any less successful than those around me.

Even knowing the things I do, I still wish that people could see that the decisions I’ve made have not been out of weakness, but have been out of strength and a belief in myself that I can do anything that I set my mind to.

I am not a weak. I am strong. I don’t let the hard times in life keep me down for long. I regroup, stand back up and face another day.

I am not a coward. Yes, I may be scared of the uncertainties in my life, but I don’t let it stop me from reaching for what I want.

I do have self-confidence. It is quiet, but is there. I believe in my talents and in me.

I’m not a bad mom. I may not be perfect, but I never claimed I was. My kids have food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs, a roof over their heads and parents that love them.

You don’t have to be proud of me, but I wish you would be because I’m proud of myself and all that I’ve done with my life. I’m proud that I believe in myself and my talent so much that I will reach for it, even though they are no guarantees in life. I’m proud of the person I’ve become. I’m happy. My life is not perfect, but whose is? I don’t need you to tell me how to live my life. I need you to support the decisions that I make. I need you to believe that I’m smart enough to know what is good for me and my family. I want you to know that any decision I make is also made in hopes of giving my children a better life.

I will not stop dreaming. I will not give up, so believe in my dream like I do. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder why I didn’t do more with it. I want to know that I gave it everything I could. I want to know that if things don’t turn out the way I want, that at least I didn’t let fears hold me back. I want to set an example for my kids. I want them to see that their mother believed in herself and reached for dreams. I want my kids to do the same thing.

See me as the woman I’ve become and not as the girl I once was. I’m not a failure. I’m a success. Had I not made the choices that I did in my life, I would not be able to write these words and stand fast in my belief that I can do anything.

Yesterday, I heard about a man in the town near mine that broke his 15-month-old son’s legs. The father told his son’s mother that the baby fell. He also tried covering up what happened by giving the baby pain killers. What a dumbass!! You can’t snap a baby’s legs and think it will all be better if you give it pain killers. Not only did he break his son’s legs, he could have killed him by doing something so stupid.

The sad part is, this P.O.S. was let out on $500 bail. He hurt an innocent human being and they let him out?

It seems like each time I turn on the television, I hear some new story about a parent harming their child. What the hell is wrong with these people? Why do they think it is okay to do that to someone?

I’ve thought about it a lot, and I know it sounds extreme, but I think people that do these sorts of things should NEVER be allowed to have another kid. History tends to repeat itself. I know I may get flack for it, but these people should be fixed so they are never allowed to procreate again. You can think I’m wrong all you want, but picture this:

Picture being this father, your little boy is upset and crying, and you decide that the best way to get him to stop is to bend his legs outward until you hear them snap. As you do it, this innocent little baby is staring at you, pleading with you with his eyes to stop hurting him. All he knows is the man that he loves is making him hurt. He doesn’t understand. He’s scared and yet you continue to do it, not caring that you are causing harm to this child.

Seriously picture what I wrote because that is what happened to that little boy.

I know the look my son gets when I tell him no he can’t do something. His eyes well up with tears and he gets this frown on his face. Picture that magnified by an act of violence. That’s what that little baby felt. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!!

Every time I think about this little guy, and what his father did to him, I cry. My stomach knots up and I end up sick. Why aren’t these children being watched out for? What did they do to deserve that kind of treatment? All they want is to be loved. That’s not asking too much.

I’m sorry for my emotional tirade, but I’m really upset by this story, by any story like this. More so lately.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we are forced to make a difficult decision. At those times, you have to weigh both sides of the issue. A rash decision cannot be made. You have to reflect on the things that are bothering you in order to make the best possible informed decision.

I know some people are concerned about me and how I’m going to help my family get by now that I’ve resigned from my previous place of employment. Well, with the pay issues that I was experiencing, my resignation has no effect on the family, at least not yet. I know in a month, it could be a different story, but right now, the only thing that has changed is that I’m not getting up in the morning and working.

It’s a shame that I had to do what I did because I really enjoyed my work. I took pride in it. Even so, just because you like the work you do, and you’re good at it, it doesn’t always mean that the company is the best place for you to be. Sometimes that can be a very difficult distinction to make, but one that is necessary in order to remain true to your self and your family.

My decision truly was not an easy one. In fact, one of the hardest parts was telling two people that I answered to that I was done. I didn’t want to make their lives more difficult. I didn’t want to create more stress for them. It upset me a great deal to tell them I could no longer work with them. Believe me, I tossed and turned the entire night before. My mind kept playing over everything that I’ve seen, heard and experienced. No matter what I did, I couldn’t turn my brain off.

A few of you know that the past two and a half months have been rough for me. I’ve had to go to the emergency room three different times because of one thing or another. I’ve been really sick. The last time was the worst. I ended up dehydrated and on an IV because I could not keep one thing down. I’d lost weight, which isn’t entirely a bad thing, but the way it happened was.

In addition to my health issues, I had the stress of the holidays and not having enough money to give my kids the type of Christmas I wanted them to have. I had to worry about not being paid on time. I had to worry about missing time from work because of a power outage. (I was without power for six days.)

Last week was the hardest time of all over the past two and a half months. My husband’s Grammie was killed when she was struck by a logging truck while on her way to check her mail. It wasn’t the driver’s fault. John’s Grammie didn’t hear him or see him when she stepped into the road. He did all he could to stop. None of us in the family blame him for what happened. We know he did all that he could for her. We also know that he has to live with the things that he saw for the rest of his life. That’s not something anyone should have to live with. Even so, we are heartbroken that we had to lose such an amazing woman in such a tragic way.

John’s Grammie was very special to so many people, me included. She had, I believe, 6 children, 19 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren and three great-great-grandchildren. You add in all the spouses and that’s one big group of people that cared about her. Through all of us, her legacy will on.

Part of her legacy was teaching all of us to never give up, to live our lives as best that we can, to make the most out of hard situations, to appreciate every moment that we are given on this Earth and to tell those around us that we love them.

Because of the lessons she taught us, I realized that decisions had to be made regarding my job. Last week I had not made any final decisions, but the thoughts were in the back of my mind. Things this week just clenched the idea for me. It was not a spur of the moment decision, but one that was weighed carefully.

My decision was partially based on the stress that I’ve been under because I couldn’t pay my bills on time. My stress was also partially due to the fact that our cupboards were near empty. I kept feeling like I was failing my family because I wasn’t bringing in the money that I was supposed to in order to help provide for the things in life that we need.

When I get stressed, I get moody, which in turn effects my family. That’s not fair to them. Why should they have to be subjected to that? They shouldn’t. It’s my fault for allowing my self to be that way. The best way to cut out that stress was to remove myself from the situation that was causing it.

Another reason for the decision I made was that I was losing all of my self-respect. I felt like a doormat. I don’t like being walked on. I knew the situation would not change though, so I had to change my involvement in it.

One thing I want to say is this. I will miss working with all of you. (You know who you are.) I’ve met some truly talented people and made some great friends. I’ve honed my writing skills. (They aren’t perfect, but they are a lot better than they were.) I loved the team atmosphere that we had. I loved knowing we were all working towards a common goal. I won’t soon forget any of it.

I do not look at my situation as the end of something. I look at it as the beginning of something new. I look at it as the next chapter in the book of my life. I look at it as taking a new fork in the road. I look at it as a necessary move that I had to make. Sure, it would be easy for me to let my anger and disappointment consume me, but I won’t. I’ve decided to take the high road, the one less traveled by some people.

As far as future employment goes, I still have my work at a pizza dough production company that I’ve been with since 2003. Among my duties there, I maintain our HACCP program, which I created several years ago. I know the work I do there is appreciated. It’s not overlooked and I’m always paid every Tuesday, without fail, sometimes earlier if it falls on a holiday.

I also have applications in to several places. Right now, it’s just a waiting game to hear back from them. I have no doubt that I will find other jobs to fill the void. I’m confident that my family will make it through this.